Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Angry Vinny

At my first home group we had a member named Angry Vinny. Angry Vinny called himself Angry Vinny. I recall he used to say that he got enough from today's meeting to make it to his next meeting. Though that was valuable to me, that wasn't what I identified with.

Angry Vinny also shared that one night, while having an alcoholic black out he combined it with a rage-filled red out and systematically blew out all the windows in his house with a shotgun - while his wife and children cowered beneath the furniture.

I understood exactly what Angry Vinny was talking about. From that first time I heard him say it until today I remain grateful I haven't had a red out and a black out simultaneously, YET!

I also remain willing to do whatever it takes to avoid the frame of mind that could take me there.

The topic at the last two meetings was - you guessed it - anger.

The solution to anger, for me, has been the Twelve Steps of recovery. Thankfully.

Monday, March 30, 2009

Short On Thoughts?

Sometimes...

District meeting tomorrow, Tues. I count myself fortunate to be the GSR for my home group. It is an honor.

Continue to have strong feelings behind which there is anger. The shortcoming behind the anger is understood. I'm not unlike others who do what I am doing - finding comfort in the anger. It is old, familiar territory. Yet...

Yesterday when I attempted to make a request of someone sharing in a meeting in an inappropriate manner to cut their sharing short and show some respect for others - receiving a threat upon my personal well-being in return, I did not "rise" to the occasion. Those who know me saw the telltale signs but admired my lack of need to engage. I am grateful to my God these things have changed.

Yes, we do ban folks from our AA clubhouse.

Gratitude - a plethora of newcomers to the noon meeting who sound exactly like I did once and offer so many opportunities to practice these principles.

I passionately love sobriety.

Saturday, March 28, 2009

Superman's Cape

That's what I thought I was wearing when I was drinking...

Impenetrable, Impervious, a Man of Steel. And besides, it was always someone else who experienced the bad things.

I Nevers. Had tons of those. Amazingly, many still have "I Nevers." And they spew them in meetings of Alcoholics Anonymous.

I learned from my friend Ronnie that there was one thing worse than a;

YET

and that was an;

AGAIN

Blah, blah, blah - I never had a DUI. Yeah - YET! Sure wouldn't want anymore DUI's AGAIN!

DUI's and a few other things...

[I'm sure that Superman logo is copyrighted by Marvel Comics but I hope they don't mind me using it]

Share It Until It Goes Away

Quite some time ago now, thankfully, a friend shared something in a meeting I'll never forget because soon after he picked up another white chip.

His name was Paul and he had ten years sober at the time. It was a meeting in Patchogue, NY at 10am on a Tues.

The sharing had made its way around the room before Paul spoke up. The first words out of his mouth were "I have a disease that is telling me that you are all full of sh**!"

As much as he knew that was untrue, it was how he felt at that moment.

I'm certain that there were many things he could have done, tools galore he could have picked up rather than picking up a drink but that's what he did.

I was thankful when he came back...

I can relate completely with his feelings. I often feel like you are all hypocrites. And I feel abandoned. And I'm sick of the BS I see and don't see.

But that doesn't change my powerlessness. I am as powerless over alcohol right now as I ever was. I have an entire spiritual toolkit to pick from. I will suit up and show up today. Yes, I've begun much of this with the letter "I." I understand that also...

"I'm responsible for the effort, not the outcome."

Right now, that small ditty disgusts me. And I know I'll get judged for that because that is what so many call helping. Well, your putrid judgments don't help at all.

It is still incredibly difficult for me to believe that one (or more) of "us" actually went out of their way to inform newcomers not to go to a meeting because it allowed crosstalk. I've got some not very pretty and choice words for you animals who did that in the name of sodriety.

And this "God is preparing someone special for you" garbage needs to just go away, far away. Yeah, therein lies the crux of my problem. So many of "we" let the 13th steppers get away with their "crimes" and yet "we" tell Mark he's soooo wunnerful because he lives by principles. I'm not giving those principles up but you folks who turn a blind eye to that behavior ought to fetch yourselves up.

And it ain't worth drinking over, or at - whatever the perfectionists wish. I continue to be worth not drinking!

Friday, March 27, 2009

Come Down Off The Cross

I want soooo badly to tell my friend with 27 years to come down off the cross we need the wood.

She won't listen to anything. Nothing. She is the victim and he is wrong no matter what he does. He's a newcomer again. He's actually doing things differently this time. But it doesn't matter.

Family counseling? Nah... she said he didn't suggest it, but he did! They can get it free for the next year. She made one session and quit. Two months ago. Two days ago it was him who didn't suggest it! She's wrong! She doesn't want to hear it.

She complains that he isn't making enough meetings. She complained about another friend who, for a time, didn't make many meetings. Now they're both making more meetings than she is!

He ran up the credit cards! Well, somehow her part in that has been forgotten.

Oy Vey! I get to be the sounding board... Ya' know God, I didn't bargain for this when you got me sober. Being in the middle isn't any fun at all. My boss wants me to put in a fair days work instead of spending that much time on the phone with you two...

Grow up!

Come Down Off The Cross!!!

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Is The Puke On Your Shoes Dry Yet?

This was one I had the opportunity to hear happen live...

Happily, I've read Pammie's post about when a newcomer ought to be working the Steps. She brought back this memory.

I was attending a meeting in Mastic, LI, NY one evening and a newcomer had asked when would be a good time to start working the 12 Steps. Tony AA (25 years at the time) responded by asking her his own question;

Is the puke on your shoes dry yet?

Because it is never to early to begin working the Twelve Steps!

[Image from Wikipedia Commons]

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Show Some Principles - Live Sober


Principles before personalities...

How about leaving the newcomers alone so they can focus on getting sober? You don't have a years worth of patience?

After all, you swore you could stop drinking anytime you wanted to. You had enough will power then!

It is simply my personal opinion, fwiw, but if you can't wait until that person you're so "in love" with gets sober then you really don't love them like you say you do. Your motive, your personal agenda comes first and you are a selfish, self-centered a**!

Living sober means showing respect for the welfare of others.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Cucumber? Pickle? Pickled???


Once you're a pickle, you'll never be a
cucumber again...

Get the idea? Quite a bit of difference eh?

[Pics from Free Clip Art Pictures]

Sunday, March 22, 2009

What It Was Like?

I have a personal interest in this one... :)

How many times have we heard someone get up to the podium and begin their talk with "I'm here to tell you what it was like, what happened and what it is like now."

Arrrrrggggghhhhh!

Playing Big Book thumper - that's not what it says! Dammit...

The book says "Our stories disclose in a general way what we used to be like, what happened, and what we are like now." page 58.

My personal interest? I had the opportunities (more than one) to overhear my then wife on the phone (yes, I was) when she told a caller she "didn't know where it was and it's passed out on the couch." I was also told that one of her answers to a caller was "No, it's not home from work yet."

EGO = Easing God Out

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Just Renting

When I expressed a thought that the oldtimers knew related to my possessiveness, they told me I was only renting the space I took up on this planet. Therefore, what I thought I "owned" really wasn't mine in the first place. What I feared I might lose wasn't mine in the first place. What I feared I wouldn't get wasn't mine to begin with.

Strangely enough, for me, it dawned on me one day that the wife and kids weren't mine to possess. Might have been that day when the judge declared the divorce final... thankfully, I don't understand the thinking of men who think that they can somehow countermand the judge through efforts at control.

Today's Daily Reflection explains it well;

"I no longer work for myself. I only get the use of the wealth God created, I have never 'owned' it. My life's purpose is much clearer when I just work to help, not to possess."

Friday, March 20, 2009

Automatically Serving God

Oh No! He's writing about God!

Mel B. writes about God too and as much as I'd like to repeat Mel's entire article, these three paragraphs ought to be sufficient for today. I'd suggest you click through and read his complete writing.
Service is God in action; when we seek to help others, we automatically serve God. If we cannot approach service spontaneously and lovingly, we should do the next best thing: we should serve because we need to serve for our own good.

Any AA member can begin to change his life by finding better ways to serve others. There are, of course, many opportunities to serve by working with newcomers and attending meetings, but there are also other forms of service that include everybody who enters our lives in any way. We can serve others by thinking well of them; our changed attitude toward them is bound to have an uplifting effect on their lives. We can put an end to gossip, jealousy, criticism, or any other disharmony among members of our family and friends. If there's any good that we can do for anybody, we can take the time to do it. And if there's something in us that balks at these suggestions, then we ought to find out what it is, for that's part of the barrier that lies between us and our ultimate realization of God's presence.

It never can be emphasized too strongly that, in the end, our thoughts and actions toward others color our own spiritual life. We become what we do. Acts of kindness, generosity, thoughtfulness and forgiveness must inevitably strengthen those qualities within us that heighten our consciousness of God's love.
Notice - it doesn't say that doing service work guarantees another 24 hours sober...

Oh, and also notice that most of us know someone that the last paragraph could pertain to rather well - in a negative sense, sadly, Micky/David/Patrick.

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Get Busy Living

Or Get Busy Dying...

Is the saying that first came to mind once I'd read Mary's Weds. night post. And I don't do enough "Get busy living." (In mho lol)

Not for lack of trying. Trying and failing too often led to discouragement. Which brings up the thought of Father Martin and the aggravating feeling that it was his passing which was my final post at the last A Dozen Steps. Aggravating enough I won't even glorify it with a link. I will though, be happy to link to Fr. Martin's site and his remembrance.

Fr. Martin taught me that to try and fail, try and fail, try and fail, led to discouragement. Getting discouraged again and again led to quitting. And, for me, quitting leads back to alcohol.

I have a trait/instinct/shortcoming which occasionally drives me up a discouragement wall. Mary actually speaks to it without trying.

I won't attempt to explain it but, since I am certain I am not alone, I'll pose this question...

Do you believe in this saying?

"It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all."

Personally, I have a huge, huge dislike for that saying, verging on hatred. How about you?

Btw, Fwiw, yes, HP and I, sponsors, advisors and I, have spent many hours discussing this coupled with working on all the dependencies that accompany it. Yet, this one remains stuck in my craw.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

T.I.M.E.

T.I.M.E.

Time is a) Things I Must Endure, b) Things I Must Earn or...

Time is what keeps everything from happening at once.

Perhaps the day will unfold when I'll re-discover the fellow from New Jersey who was in Morehead City, NC. when I was , who gave me this gem. I'm certain he gave it to others.

It is going to take time to be able to edit in all the resources and friends I had at A Dozen Steps. I wasn't given time to copy any of them before the sidebars on that blog disappeared.

Yes, it has angered me. Those resources were meant to help others and friends are invaluable. I guess I'm expecting fairness from those I gave effort to for three years but decency obviously wasn't one of their qualities.

I'll make it and restore everything eventually.

[P.S. - Happy BB Birthday dAAve!]

Monday, March 16, 2009

St. Patrick's Day Savannah Georgia

St. Patrick's Day here in Savannah, Ga., USA makes for a topic in AA meetings all over town...

I guess it's because there seems to be somewhat of a focus on the fact that it is some kind of alcohol drinking celebration - - - or something.

Anyway, here are some of the rules for the parade (from SavannahNow);

WHAT CAN I BE ARRESTED FOR DOING?

Police want paradegoers and spectators to have a good time but act within the law. City ordinances prohibit the following actions:
  • Carrying bottles or cans of alcohol on the street. (Only paper, Styrofoam or plastic cups are permitted.)
  • Carrying more than one cup of alcohol or a cup larger than 16 ounces.
  • Taking alcohol onto River Street or into the gated area.
  • Drinking alcohol in a parked motor vehicle.
  • Drinking or possessing alcohol if you are younger than 21.
  • Exposing yourself.
  • Going to the bathroom anywhere other than in a portable toilet or restroom.
  • Disorderly conduct; fighting.

The following state misdemeanor offenses require an appearance in court for citizens and business owners:
  • Providing alcohol to a minor.
  • Allowing a minor to enter an alcohol establishment.
  • Selling alcohol without a license.
  • Selling alcohol on Sundays.
For all the other rules click here. Enjoy!

[btw - beads are good but don't make "her" break the law, okay? Please?]

Intergroup Phone Numbers Around The World

Many of our plans may have been shelved because of the economic situation but if you are going to be traveling there is a resource that will help you find AA wherever you might be going.


"An "intergroup" (sometimes referred to as a "central office") is an A.A. service office supported by A.A. groups established to help carry the A.A. message. The intergroup usually relies on volunteer A.A. members to perform the service work. Intergroups usually maintain a listing of local A.A. meetings and a phone number people can call to find meetings or get information about A.A. Frequently they maintain an informational Web site too. Worldwide there are about 1000 independent intergroups."
Please travel safely...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

Sorry 'Bout Your Luck Micky

Funny - Bill W. actually had you explained to a tee...

And many of us too :)

He kept asking himself: "Why can't the Twelve Steps work to release depression?"

"By the hour, I stared at the St. Francis Prayer... 'It's better to comfort than to be comforted.' Here was the formula, all right. But why didn't it work?


Suddenly I realized what the matter was. My basic flaw had always been dependence - almost absolute dependence - on people or circumstances to supply me with prestige, security, and the like. Failing to get these things according to my perfectionist dreams and specifications, I had fought for them. And when defeat came, so did my depression.


There wasn't a chance of making the outgoing love of St. Francis a workable and joyous way of life until these fatal and almost absolute dependencies were cut away."


Yep, Micky, our ill friend, you are dependent on all of us for your opportunity to force your will onto others - for us to see your evil ways as opposed to the true love of a God we understand who has saved our lives and the lives of millions. But it's not working... sorry 'bout your luck.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Stop Doubting The Power

We see and hear reports of those who want to belittle, mock, hate on, and even wish to eradicate that which has saved our lives - Alcoholics Anonymous.

The process for me to come to believe that my recovery was an act of Providence was short. There was no way at all I was about to ever walk into a meeting of AA because I had suddenly decided it was the thing to do. Those who were here before me quickly made this fact of grace clear to me.

Along the way, through the years, I also came to believe that if "God was for me, who could be against me," and "Be still and know He is God."

Situations completely and irrevocably beyond repair were fixed and made whole by what could only be described as a power greater than I or you. Other situations weren't made whole and have remained broken for longer than a decade, became worse despite all efforts yet it also became apparent that these weren't made whole because there was a wisdom behind them that knew it ought not happen - yet.

Therefore, despite what seems to be contrary evidence, there is obviously, to me, a magnificent, loving God who will level the playing field and deploy reality checks for those who need them, by His/Her will. Not on my account because I am frustrated by the brazenness of AA's detractors. This doesn't mean I won't get frustrated often - people do/say some incredibly stupid/arrogant things to diminish that which saves lives, but, today, I am certain beyond doubt that, if the God I understand wants AA to disappear it will be at His hand, not any human hand. And there will be a completely valid reason for it according to His/Her will and wisdom.*

The Daily Reflection for March 15th;

"When we saw others solve their problems by a simple reliance upon the Spirit of the Universe, we had to stop doubting the power of God. Our ideas did not work. But the God idea did."
* I.E. - don't expect it too soon :)

Friday, March 13, 2009

In Silence

There never were many who would offer comments at A Dozen Steps. I have no idea why...

And now I write in silence because no one knows this is here. So be it.

Today's reading offers us a list of spiritual things;

  • Unconditional Love
  • Joy
  • Patience
  • Kindness
  • Goodness
  • Faithfulness
  • Self-Control
  • Humility

Many of which I lack on a daily basis. More than that, characteristics that people I gave my blood, sweat and tears to for three years lack totally.

Today's reading also tells me that my goal is spiritual growth and it is a lifetime goal. Accepting that I'll never have spiritual perfection. Sadly, I've now known folks who are so deep in evil ways that spirituality is out of the question never to see the light of day in their lives.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

For Those On My Last Nerve

Precisely...

For the "bsmedia" moguls;

Today's Reading Is A Must!

For me...

"We ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives."


I'll add - asking that my thinking be divorced from the anger I feel towards a certain "media" group which hides behind a false mask of respectability.

Third Step Mark! (Yeah, talkin' to myself...)

"Every day I ask God to kindle within me the fire of His love, so that love, burning bright and clear, will illuminate my thinking and permit me to better do His will."


There's a fire burning within, for sure...

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Recovery Won't Be Silenced

Not by b5media or anyone else...

As long as I can see my computer screen, as long as I can type without excruciating pain, as long as I can keep what's left of my mind together sufficiently to create a worthwhile recovery resource, I'll keep writing.

I didn't write A Dozen Steps for the money. I wrote it for the passion, for the opportunity to present recovery resources to those who wanted them. I wrote it to work the Twelfth Step.

I'm not thoroughly disgusted with certain individuals because I cannot continue to write there. I can move on.

I am disgusted with certain individuals because I will never forget the disrespectful, totally inconsiderate, dehumanizing manner in which I was diminished. To be politically correct, I'm sure they'll hide behind a "contract" written in "human" terms and the provision they enacted to sh** all over me. But that will never work in the real world.

If you can't bring yourself to offer a common decency with simple respect enough to give small advanced notice to someone who poured their guts out on their blog for three years, then you are not a decent human being. And, if, or when, (very doubtful) you offer the fact that you're sorry, I want the world to know that, indeed, that is most true - you are definitely sorry!